This is G.
This is G playing in my Pap smear vest.
She thinks it’s a princess dress.
I could have told her the truth—that it is a princess dress. One made of paper towels with an experience dipped in lube and humiliation. In a land of cervical mucus, birth control, and urinating in a cup, where a [...]
Me: G repeats everything I say.
Husband: I’ve noticed.
Me: I don’t think spelling is going to cut it anymore. And I’m tired of spelling ‘whore.’ I always have to think about it first. Like ‘diarrhea.’ I always have to think about how to spell it and still get it wrong.
Husband: Do you say ‘whore’ and ‘diarrhea’ [...]
I lost my mind last week and scheduled the following pleasantries within mere days of each other:
-wellness checkups for G (3 year) and LB (1 year). Including shots. For both.
-teeth cleaning (for me) which lead to…
-a crown buildup, aka, grinding your tooth down Old Testament style with a rock and a chisel
-pap smear (for me [...]
To say that ‘I love Ikea’ would be the understatement of my nearly 31 years of existence. I ‘need’ Ikea is more like it. We have a psycho stalker type relationship in which a salivate (that’s right, salivate) over the catalog, tearing out pages and circling items and prices and all those not so pronounceable [...]
I often have conversations with myself. Internally of course so I don’t frighten the husband or other innocent bystanders perusing the aisles of Target on a Tuesday morning with my nonsensical, one-way banter.
These conversations generally begin in the shower where my mind is somewhat uncluttered and ‘free to be you and me’. I liken them [...]
Apparently, the Obama girls are going to start working hard for the money. Babysitting.
Who exactly they’re babysitting—I have no idea. Probably Bristol Palin’s kid.
I never truly fulfilled this longtime teenage right of female passage into the workforce. Yes, I made sure my brothers didn’t kill themselves drinking bleach or cracking their skulls whilst jumping on [...]
Toddlers and public restrooms are a combination of curiosity and ceramic tile that can only lead to illicit behaviors ending in tears (generally from the mother) and dousing bodies in antibacterial gel and wondering if maybe such gels really weren’t meant to be slathered across one’s bottom in an attempt to prevent herpes from attacking your [...]
Last week we called Enterprise to rent a minivan.
Because we are insane, in two weeks we are driving the family 12 hours to Ft. Lauderdale. Actually, we are not insane. It’s just me. We are going to a family reunion for my side of the family so; the husband is merely insane by association. I [...]
