Stimulus
Call me lazy and shallow but, I’m thinking of proposing a stimulus package to Congress about the wonders of plastic surgery. How, with plastic surgery, I would not have to sweat half to death under a ceiling fan in my home while doing this whole P90X thing in a sad attempt to bring a little bit of my sexy back.
Like, how about the government throw a cookie jar of eight thousand dollars for first-time liposuction buyers into the economy. Better yet—let’s give first-time moms ten grand for tummy tucks. Eight g’s for the surgery and two for the pain and suffering first-time moms bear in front of the bathroom mirror, shimmying the loose skin that was once their halfway decent belly from side to side, and cursing every mom before them who did not warn about the post-baby belly hang. You never knew your stomach could take semi-permanent residence in your lap, did you?
It’s tragic.
I like to call the extra I’m holding on to ‘baby weight’, though LB will be one tomorrow and G is three so, I’m pretty sure it’s more like ‘too many slices of pizza, stress, and chocolate covered pretzels…weight.’ However, blaming your children is far more socially acceptable than overeating so we’ll stick to the baby weight. Or, it will stick to me. Whatever.
My eating over the fourth of July weekend was horrendous. Again, I swear I’m not pregnant, but whenever we have visitors things like doughnuts and cookies and chips end up in my pantry and I’m all ‘hungry, hungry, hippo’ about it. The husband suggested we throw the left over junk food out and I’m like “pfft! That’s a total waste of food!”
So today is day three of P90X, and, all kidding aside, I kind of like it. The husband is doing it too and it gives us something to talk about other than whose turn it is to wash dishes or our new budget that is the noose to our summer fun and home renovation.
Yesterday, G stood next to me on the floor doing downward facing dog and is all ‘get up, mommy!’ and now that I think about it, I’m not sure if it’s encouragement or mocking because when she asks if I’m okay I tell her ‘no’, and the husband starts laughing in the kitchen where he eats some chocolate covered Keebler Elf.
Keep it up, husband, or I might just rock a belly shirt the next time I surprise you at work—one with your face on it with the caption ‘this is his fault.’
How’s that for a stimulus?
July 8th, 2010 at 10:46 am
I’m hearing great things about this P90x. Fortunately for me, I have already started the c25k, and it’s going well as of my 3rd day participating. I know. The 90s called and they want their training program back. Whatevs. I’m a late adopter. I gained 8 pounds in 3 weeks on my road trip. EIGHT POUNDS. And I don’t have any human babies to blame it on. I guess I could start claiming that I grew Olive in my uterus, but that’d be just gross. Right?
July 8th, 2010 at 11:15 am
I think there’s something in the health care bull about covering plastic surgery …
I’ve been watching The Gilmore Girls (because I’m late like that) and it makes me want to eat my weight in pizza and peanut butter cups because the characters on that show do and they’re tiny, so why can’t I????
I think my worst moment was when I found the strength to throw away the remaining half a package of Oreo Fudgees (if you haven’t discovered these, don’t!) only to later fish them out of the garbage and eat them. (They were, at least, still in the package, so they were “clean.”)
That’s when you know you have a problem.
July 8th, 2010 at 11:36 am
Oh shit! I just peed my pants at the visual of that. HOOOOOlarious!
July 8th, 2010 at 1:32 pm
I don’t have babies so what do I blame the weight on? I guess too much eating. Shit. I really want to jump on the P90X bandwagon. Everyone’s doing it. You are also going to be super skinny soon. I guess I have to suck it up and order it so I can be super skinny too.
July 8th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
HAHAHA! Loves it. You are BEAUTIFUL so STOP!
July 8th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Well, I’m glad you warned me about the post-pregnancy…what did you call it? Flop? Good to know.
I buy crap when guests come, too. I don’t know why.
Like, hey, welcome to our home! Hope you’re wearin stretch pants!
And I think tummy tuck for first time moms is brilliant. Give me time and place and I’ll help you campaign.
July 8th, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Okay, I guess I need to read some posts down or google, as I have no idea what P90X is!
July 9th, 2010 at 12:24 am
I want to do PX90 too — and I like how it’s given you and your man more to talk about.
I also think that t-shirt idea is just about brilliant! 
July 9th, 2010 at 12:24 am
I meant P90X. I don’t know what PX90 is. It’s probably code for something horrible. I’m not going to Google it.
July 9th, 2010 at 1:34 am
Bring sexy back? You’re there, honey! You’re already there!
July 9th, 2010 at 11:39 pm
I am totally with you on the stimulus for plastic surgery bit. And I’d like to throw in a little laser-whateverit’scalled for the stretchmarks that have invaded by boobs and belly, too. I mean, while we’re at it.
Also? The H downloaded a torrent of Zumba. Three? days ago? We watched it (while I drank wine) and I haven’t turned it on since. I am destined to be fat and stretchmarked forever.