Miranda. Kind of like Sex and the City’s–only better.
Guest post by Miranda at Not Super, Just Mom
So, hi.
I’m all nervous and such. Like when you had a crush on a boy and you were all “OMG HE IS LOOKING THIS WAY OMG HE IS WALKING OVER HERE DON’T LOOK DON’T LOOK” to your best friend in the cafeteria.
When Tiffany sent an email asking for guest bloggers and I GOT ONE, I kind of peed myself a little. (Come to think of it, that could be because the kegels I did while pregnant didn’t do ANYTHING to help me not sniss myself when I sneeze despite the fact that I had a c-section.)
Wait…what was I saying? Oh yeah.
You see, Tiffany? Well, she’s hilarious. So I feel like I have some big shoes to fill to keep y’all sufficiently entertained.
Oh, what’s that I said? “Y’all?” I’m a good Southern Belle. (Who would much rather live in a big city. Near a mall. And a Target. And 47 Starbucks locations in a three block radius.)
Since this is rapidly approaching Word Vomit territory, let’s get to the topic at hand, shall we?
How I am (not even remotely a little bit) the same as Heidi Klum.
No, no. I’m joking. That’d just be depressing (although her secret to keeping your marriage smokin’ hot, according to last month’s issue of Redbook, is to throw out your sweat pants…and if I did that, it’d TOTALLY make my marriage smokin’ hot because my sweat pants are the only pants that fit. So I’d be naked…)
Let’s talk about what to do when your toddler is possessed.
Here’s my advice:
1. Get an old priest and a young priest. A cross. And some holy water.
2. Call the grandparents and say you’re coming for a visit and then keep the meter running on the cab like those people do in the Airtran commercials where the 80 year old grandpa is going “Don’t leave us with the babies!” Then head to Mexico. Or Bora Bora. Or somewhere far, far away.
3. Sit in a corner rocking back and forth and waiting until the storm known as Tiny Terrorist passes and hope that your entire house doesn’t come crashing down around you in the process.
But really, what do you do when your sweet baby boy decides to shriek out at random, flail around on the ground when you put him down because your arm is about to fall off, or decides to run around in a semi-manic state throwing blocks at the dog?
My son went to sleep on Thursday night and woke up on Friday morning with two eye teeth and an attitude.
This has been going on for three days straight and I’m about to go insane. My eyes are about to become permanently fixed in the wide-open position. And I’m on the fast track to signing up for the Frequent Buyer club at my local package store. (How am I not already signed up is the better point there, I suppose…)
He’s only 16 months old, y’all. And I’m ready to ship him off to military school.
(Sort of. Okay maybe. Not really.)
Tell me it gets better before he becomes a teenager.
July 15th, 2010 at 7:31 am
You are hilarious! I’ll meet you in Bora Bora. Right after I make a Starbucks run.
July 15th, 2010 at 10:46 am
But really, what do you do when your sweet baby boy decides to shriek out at random, flail around on the ground when you put him down because your arm is about to fall off, or decides to run around in a semi-manic state throwing blocks at the dog?
I only have 2 tools in my fairly new MOM arsenal and they are
1. goldfish
2. Yo Gabba Gabba
As I add more ammo I’ll keep you posted!!
In the meantime, keep the wine on hand…duh.
July 15th, 2010 at 10:47 am
Through my research on the subject, it sounds like exorcisms don’t work all that well. Must re-consult Dr. Google.
July 15th, 2010 at 11:02 am
Oh hey there Miranda! Yes, I love this. Eddie has begun perfecting the back arch where he can refuse to be held or moved or whatever. And a LOUD, but VERY LOUD, scream. He has no indoor voice. The hubs blames me. Whatever. Anyway, I do not look forward to the eye teeth. I think Eddie is working on the molars and it makes me bat shit crazy. sigh…but their blond curly hair and goofy grins? Dang it if that doesn’t make me swoon.
July 15th, 2010 at 12:16 pm
Hilarious.
This is what a dork I am. When my son first began to do the back arch thing, I thought it was a seizure.
I called the dr and asked for an mri for seizures. They had me come in, and they told me, it was a tantrum.
and that is what a dork I am.
You see why Tiff’s my friend.
You are great, btw. I’m following you.
July 15th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
LOL! Alexandra, sometimes I DO think it’s a seizure and I’m all “AAAAAAAHHHHH WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO” and then it passes and I’m like, “This house….is cleahhhh…” like that lady from The Poltergeist!
July 15th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
I’m kinda in the if I don’t have anything nice to say territory,so you can delete this if it’s too grumpy.
It is going to get worse before it gets better. In fact I think this might hold true for parenting all around.
Well fed and well rested helps.
July 15th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Hilarious!
July 15th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
I have found that both my boys plumb lose their minds about every six months. Then, they become normal again mysteriously. It has happened at six months, a year, eighteen months, and so on. I can set my watch to it at this point.
It always sucks, but I try to just ride it out.
July 15th, 2010 at 5:06 pm
Excellent guest post. Hilarious and sweet. And oh so true.
July 15th, 2010 at 9:05 pm
Great post Miranda! Yes, it does get better. But they constantly go through phases of demonic posession. It gets better in the way that they can talk better and actually tell you if something is really wrong. But it gets worse because they know exactly what they want and it is the end of their tiny little world if they don’t get it. You just have to remember that these little phases of seemingly demonic posession are just that…phases.
July 15th, 2010 at 11:37 pm
Loved this! (And yes, it does get better!)
July 15th, 2010 at 11:41 pm
Did Heidi Klum really say that women should throw out their sweatpants in the interest of heating up their marriage? That’s hilarious!
Heidi Klum needs to shut up.
Geez.
July 16th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Oh, Joshua. Give your momma a break, mmmkay???
Miranda you rock my socks. Thanks for always making me feel like we’re in a mommy army together! Just when I think I’m the only one fighting my tiny terrorist, I think of you and know we’re in this together!
July 16th, 2010 at 4:50 pm
Hey Miranda! Great post! I remember that time in the cafeteria BTW…just kidding!
This isn’t exactly the Dr. Phil answer, but have you tried also acting possessed? I don’t know that it would do anything to help the situation, but wouldn’t that be freakin’ hilarious??? … No? Ok.
Anyway, with my 4-year-old (yeah, it still happens at 4) I take him to his room and tell him not to come out until he calms down…which happens fairly quickly because he isn’t getting any attention for the behavior at that point. This exact method may not work for younger guys but I’m sure there is a similar way to not show attention for the negative behavior.
It’s difficult to remember that far back considering all the demonic possessions…it really does something to the memory retention…
July 18th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
My little dude started the terrible twos at a year and a half and he’s still goin’ strong! HA!
July 18th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
Ha! I, too, am in the Possessed-Toddler-Stage and it BLOWS. I just spent the last two weeks on “vacation” – policing the ‘tiny terrorist,’ who ultimately proved unstoppable in beating up his one-year-old cousin. When you’re done with the priests, send ‘em my way!