Final Destination: Hell
Guest post by The Flying Chalupa
A voice crackles over the plane’s ancient PA system.
It is perky.
Evil perky.
Air-America-F*ck-Yeah would like to welcome you aboard Flight 999, with non-stop service to Timbuktu.
My name is Cindi and I will be your flight attendant today, but you will know me as Bitch With A Badge.
Our flight is completely full, with at least 20 children under three, so please make sure to purchase our overpriced headphones to drown out the cacophony of the demon spawn surrounding you.
In the event that a baby begins screaming and your toddler thinks, “Wow, what a fun noise to imitate!” I will magically appear by your side, with enough stale pretzels to stuff down your child’s mouth so it can’t make another sound.
If per chance there is a family sitting in a bulk head seat, I would like to inform you that you’re screwed. The DVD player, the toys, the books, the stickers, the coloring book, the snacks – everything you need to survive for the next five hours? Overhead bins.
Right now. Chop chop.
Suckers.
During take-off, I must also remind you that no portable electronics are allowed. And once again, that means your precious DVD player.
Not only does “Bob the Builder” somehow interfere with the wheels-up process, but we at Air-America-F*ck-Yeah believe that it is important to draw our young passenger’s attention to their popping ears.
It’s a special ten minutes in which you can bond with your child as you feel the power of the rising plane.
If, per chance, vomit also arrises, we’ve provided an extremely small bag in the seat pocket in front of you.
Best of luck with that.
In the event of turbulence, please maneuver your child into that damn C.A.R.E.S. harness to make you feel like you spent that $70 wisely and which you will promptly forget upon getting off the plane.
Once we reach our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet – also known as the 8th level of hell – feel free to walk your fidgety brat up and down the aisles.
Except, of course, during the food and beverage service.
With which I will take as long as humanly possible, offering you drinks that you have no time for and will most likely get spilled all over you.
Now that we have taxied to the runway, I have just been informed that despite the blue skies, there is “weather” in the area and we will be delayed indefinitely.
I would like to remind you that we are a moving vehicle, which means that lap children need to remain IN their parents’ lap, kicking the seat in front of them for as long and as hard as possible, and baggage needs to remain stowed until our indefinite take-off – the baggage with every sanity-saving measure of toddler distraction.
If you violate these cruel and unusual FAA rules, I will abuse this PA system until you hear my voice in your dreams.
Once in the air, our flight time will be an eternity and we are scheduled for arrival at Not-F*cking-Soon-Enough p.m.
The cabin doors have been sealed.
No one can save you now.
MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
July 20th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Oh, you leave me speechless. But, I’ll try anyway: oh yeah!!! You know what you’re talking about, and sadly, SO.DO.I.
Magnificent, as usual…
July 20th, 2010 at 10:39 am
I’m guessing that instead of First Class, they only offer No Class.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:03 am
This is why I refuse to get on a plane with my kids. I DROVE to Kansas City with them, I just don’t have it in me to fly with Damion and Reagan. Just don’t.
You should TOTALLY submit this peice to a magazine. Perfection.
July 20th, 2010 at 11:23 am
I’m pretty sure that these situations are exactly why the World Health Organization advises breastfeeding for at least two years. Boobs shut kids up, don’t they?
July 20th, 2010 at 11:43 am
haha I got a kick out of this…
I can’t imagine motherhood beyond a cute lovable baby, poo and midnight screaming but this somehow put it all in perspective.
Your creative writing is off the chain! lol
July 20th, 2010 at 11:44 am
Oh! stop by my place some time. I assure you it’s not all about dental stuff, esp. for the summer. Thnx
July 20th, 2010 at 11:54 am
perfection! so true. so true. traveling with young children is so much FUN!
July 20th, 2010 at 4:53 pm
Just a hundred more reasons why the airlines are dead to me. Well said.
July 20th, 2010 at 4:55 pm
I knew as I started reading this that I should have stopped immediately but I wanted to see how bad it got, and baad it did get but still, it is all so true. I am so not looking forward to our flights when we go on vacation next month. Last year we had just made it to the runway, about to being taxiing for takeoff when my daughter shouted very, very loudly “I WANT TO GET OFF, RIGHT NOW!” and kept that going for an eternity. My only revenge is the complete and utter devastation wrought upon the seating and floor area all around us by a toddler who goes into an eating frenzy during every flight and gets through the equivalent of an entire large adult males calorific intake for the day in just two hours.
July 20th, 2010 at 8:40 pm
First, thank you, Tiffany, for having me in your humble electronic abode! And to everyone for commenting!
Alexandra: I don’t know how you did it with three.
Ed: Too funny. You’re so right.
Court: Driving with kids has it’s own pitfalls. But I much prefer it. I wonder if Tiffany will say the same when she returns…
KLZ: Very true. That IS, in fact, why they recommend 2 years. Boobs are the answer to many problems.
Patrice: Oh, motherhood. Just you wait. And see. Lordy, lordy.
Michelle & FabuLeslie: Traveling with kids is such a public display of parenting skills it makes me ill. And the airline industry is in the crapper. No customer service whatsoever.
Aging Mommy: This reminds me of Kris Kattan as a monkey eating a banana on SNL. If you could capture your daughter’s snack spree on video and post it on the blog, I would be very grateful.
July 20th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
OMFG. That was insanely accurate. It’s one of the reasons I don’t want kids. and have a love/hate relationship with flying. I love it unless there’s a child < 4 within 5 rows of me. Then I have to fight my inner bitch the entire flight. It's not as if parents sign up outside the plane in the line for most annoying toddlers. Yes! I'll take 2!!
I loved the boobs comment. Boobs is the answer to world peace. Get it right, people!
July 21st, 2010 at 12:54 am
Sounds like a flight I recently took. There should really be ‘adults only’ flights.