Vaginal warts and mad cow disease have nothing in common. Except, when they do.
Toddlers and public restrooms are a combination of curiosity and ceramic tile that can only lead to illicit behaviors ending in tears (generally from the mother) and dousing bodies in antibacterial gel and wondering if maybe such gels really weren’t meant to be slathered across one’s bottom in an attempt to prevent herpes from attacking your three year olds nether regions far sooner than it should.
We spent approximately 27 hours in a car this past week. G spent about 26 of the 27 hours watching the same episode of The Backyardigans and claiming she had to go to the bathroom while LB was whining, crying, or experiencing irritable bouts of explosive diarrhea courtesy of the eggs and bananas he’d eaten earlier. Good times.
The husband and I looked at one another at each rest stop contemplating the lesser evil: standing in the Petri dish of a bathroom stall as urea and bleach destroyed all olfactory senses while we argued with G to please stop touching the tampon string hanging out of the ‘dispose of feminine products here’ box, or changing the egg and banana mash in LB’s diaper—an event that may or may not include accidental poop-to-skin contact followed by dry heaving and the upheaval of the contents of one’s stomach.
I ended up in the bathroom stall with G and repeating ‘do not touch anything!’ while I tried to line the toilet with nearly 5 rolls of toilet paper. When she touched the flushing handle I was tempted to go Old Testament on her and cut the offending hand off with a nail file as no amount of soap and water could possibly save her. Yeast infection and gonorrhea of the fingers—you win.
So when I was forced to hold the door handle with my bare hands in order to exit a Burger King bathroom, I nearly vomited.
For the love of God, public bathroom makers, you must ALWAYS have some sort of hand towel option even if you have that hot air blower thing. This has little to do with drying my hands and everything to do with my making a clean break from any sort of vaginal wart/mad cow disease explosion that is obviously smeared all over fast food restaurant bathrooms as I’ve never been that good at opening doors with my elbows.
I couldn’t find my sanitizer and spent the rest of the trip with my hand in the air, not touching anything and trying not to curse. This was somewhere around hour 25 in the car when my children were still either crying or playing the girl who cried ‘pee pee’ and I was beginning to wonder what was so bad about drinking and driving anyway.
It turns out, according to Chelsea Handler, a lot of things, to include rectal searches and peeing on the floor—two things that are pretty closely related to public restrooms if not its identical Siamese, conjoined at the head twin.
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I’m also here today…
July 22nd, 2010 at 4:22 pm
Holy hell, that sounds absolutely miserable and disgusting. Things I never even thought about until now. Good thing the baby has a penis. Kent’s job
Great seeing you guys!!!
July 22nd, 2010 at 4:42 pm
Too bad you don’t have OCD, of the germ avoiding brand. This trip would have cured you by including exposure after exposure to desensitize you from your phobia.
I love that it’s a foregone assumption that your child getting herpes is a matter of ‘when’ as opposed to ‘if’ for you.
My mom taught us very early on not to touch ANYTHING in a public restroom, and to this day I follow the habit she instilled in me to flush with my foot.
July 22nd, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Fab–can I call you ‘Fab’?– i noticed the ‘if’ vs. ‘when’ with the herpes. she will not be getting it b/c i said so. the ‘when’ notion was just funnier…
July 22nd, 2010 at 9:28 pm
The handle of the door exiting the restroom is the dirtiest place in the whole restroom. Because people leave without proper hand washing. This, after taking various precautions you mentioned above for fear of germs. This has been tested and proved several times by medical research teams.
July 22nd, 2010 at 9:30 pm
This makes me never want to potty train a girl. Or go on a road trip with two children. Or any children.
And BLECH. public restrooms. VOM!
July 22nd, 2010 at 10:10 pm
I almost called you out on having a disclaimer “do not eat while reading”, but I should have taken a hint from the headliner. Major VOM!
You should have busted out the empty wipe container for G to avoid said restrooms. Duh, Tiff. But, the whole LB situation? Yeah….you’re on your own with that one.
July 22nd, 2010 at 10:42 pm
EW. You made me really think about ths sickness in public bathrooms….something I have tried to keep out of my brain. thanks. Maybe put rubber gloves on G next time…keep a box of them in your car!!
July 23rd, 2010 at 12:33 am
“go Old Testament on her” – brilliant. Welcome back! Aren’t roadtrips just the BEST? I can’t tell you how many airport, reststop and fastfood bathrooms I just endured on “vacation.” The best is when my son looks under the stall at the people next to us while I try to do my business.
July 23rd, 2010 at 1:40 am
Just thinking of the nastiness in those bathrooms makes me want to vomit
July 23rd, 2010 at 2:11 am
Mama here: never go into the stall w/o paper towels to open the door with upon exiting. yeah-huh. and flush WITH YOUR FOOT once you leave the stall.DO NOT FLUSH WHILST STILL NEAR THE TOILET!
I love you. mama
July 23rd, 2010 at 2:12 am
P.S. that was brilliant….
July 23rd, 2010 at 12:08 pm
Welcome back!!!!
That sounds like absolutely my worst nightmare experience. I have enough of a problem with public restrooms as it is without any children or explosive diarrhea involved.
I’m glad you’re home safe and sound.
July 23rd, 2010 at 3:12 pm
I think you need your own reality show. Then I could watch what you do everyday.
July 23rd, 2010 at 3:13 pm
I didnt mean for that to sound stalkerish. Just thinking it would be better on tv than having to read.
July 23rd, 2010 at 8:46 pm
Excellent tale — now I’m going to go jump in a vat of chlorine to clear my mind of it~
July 24th, 2010 at 5:25 am
hahahahahaha.
July 25th, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Hi! thanks for coming by my blog for a watermelon margarita. So glad you did, because I enjoyed this post. Kids + bathroom = mommy yelling about the avoidance of all possible infectious things. And to think Brit Brit goes in them barefooted. Oy.
Loved the post, subscribed to your feed. I see a lot of other friends commenting here, so I’m in a good place I’m certain
Hope to see you back at my dungeon.
July 25th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
I’m so glad you commented on on of my weaker post…but thanks for coming by. I do better mostly. We got our drink on Friday so it’s been a recovery weekend.
yea. public bathrooms at just nasty. and terrible. and nasty. I hate that they are necessary. and the part about paper towels and air dryers, could not me more true. Gigi is right. she is my girl and so glad we found you! going to follow you on twitter and rss.
July 26th, 2010 at 7:46 am
When my youngest was about 3 we drove to FL and had to stop 15 times due to his toileting ‘issues’. It took us 17 hours to get there. I feel your pain.
July 26th, 2010 at 10:08 am
Oy – public restrooms are so disturbing, especially gas station restrooms. On our summer vacay we had the unfortunate experience to have our car die at a gas station in South Carolina. Ugh. Stuck for hours, waiting for a tow truck. I would’ve tried to sanitize the entire bodies of my four kids, except the hotel within walking distance was almost as bad as the gas station restroom. I’ve struggled to block this memory. Thanks so much for resurrecting it.
July 26th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
OK, I think I peed myself, I’m laughing so hard. But I’m laughing with you. I swear. Hubby will rather suffer a violent kidney infection and bladder burst before he uses certain public restrooms just for your reasons. I’m opening a whole new world with my potty training of my daughter. I’m afraid now. That’s it. We don’t go anywhere until she’s 10 and can kick flush a toilet.
July 27th, 2010 at 10:40 pm
My toddler simply loves to crap in her panties in Target. Leaving me to deal with it in a Target restrooms. Fortunately, you can buy paper towels, wipes, and hand sanitizer right there in the store. Plus, the store also has amaretto, which I need to put in my milk when I get home. Also, some crushed Xanex.
July 28th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Oh my goodness! I’m still laughing. I laugh, because I’ve lived it, and I can’t bring myself to even think about the girls using the public restrooms at school without cringing! And bathrooms on road trips are the worst. So thankful for hand sanitizer and the hand sanitizer wipes we stocked up on at Sam’s before we left! I don’t think I could have survived without them. The kids? They probably would have been just fine.