Bacon, church, and the misuse
So a few weeks ago the husband and I decided we should probably start going to church again since I was no longer pregnant and couldn’t use my preoccupation with bigness and maneuvering my belly between pews to pee for the eighth time in ten minutes as an excuse to stay home Sunday mornings and eat bacon.
Also because it had become clear to us that G had fallen prey to the marketing geniuses at every discount retail store as she sat in the family room saying things like ‘Walmart—save money, live better’ instead of singing songs like ‘Jesus loves me’ which is far more catchy than anything that ever came out of a Walmart.
Although, by the looks of most Walmarts, you’re almost guaranteed to catch something.
So we get there and we’re all late and I’m embarrassed because if it’s one thing I can’t stand it’s being late, especially for church because they make you wait out in the lobby like a leper until their good and ready to let you in and then some usher insists you sit way up in the front so everyone can see that you’re late and then you wish you’d just stayed home and watched church on TV like your grandmother —at least that way you can get your worship on and eat bacon simultaneously.
I manage to score a seat in the back pew—makes for an easy getaway with cranky babes, thus decreasing further embarrassment and the onset o f mental instability. Things are going well until G insists on quoting full episodes of Dora the Explorer in a normal speaking voice and the husband takes her outside. I stay with LB who has fallen asleep and listen with a fervent ear to the pastor’s message until a blatant misuse of the English language occurs—
The man said ‘ironical.’
And I forgive him because of the whole ‘turn the other cheek’ thing.
But then he says it again…and again. And now I cannot concentrate, I cannot even hear him because I am so distracted by the volume of his mistake and wondering if anyone else has noticed, or if they’re all sitting in the pews saying things like ‘conversate,’ and ‘irregardless.’
It baffles me so much that I do not even complain (which I always do) about the thirty minutes it takes for us to escape that labyrinth of a parking lot and curse the architect to blame for its design. I am so baffled that when I get home I am determined to, 1: eat my Sunday morning bacon, and 2: prove that I am right.
There is just one problem, however, as I type his faux pas into dictionary.com. The word is staring me dead in the face. I am wrong. Oh so very wrong. It seems the pastor had used the word properly and I missed nearly the entire message basking in my (not so) obvious wisdom.
Turns out, the message was on humility.
Ironical, I know.
February 1st, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I am LOL! I've missed your posts!!
February 1st, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Fabulous post. "Irregardless" is one of my most favorite. I need to start using that more often.
February 1st, 2010 at 3:32 pm
lol!
ironical for sure.
i love that this post involved bacon!
February 1st, 2010 at 3:49 pm
Lmbo. There is a word that I have heard used in church and for the life of me I cannot think of it now. But it is in a biblical verse and forever I kept thinking THAT is not a word. I even looked it up on the internet and was thrilled to not find it. IT is however in the bible, I was like well hmmm technically it is a word just not one we USE nowadays
February 1st, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Tiffany, You are one of the most clever and humorous (albeit subtle) bloggers I just get a kick out of reading. You do stuff like me. I will lose the message of what is being said focusing on something crazy like a word I feel was used improperly.
I can't catch my church on tv but twice a year, so I guess I'll have to continue to do my 3 hours of church in an actual church building.
May
February 1st, 2010 at 5:53 pm
This is one of my favorite posts, Tiffany. I'm dying over here. Ironical?? I was with you the whole time. I'm all, "That dumb pastor! Go Tiff! Go getchya bacon!" Damn.
I can't stand when others type or say "all the sudden". How does that even make sense? UGH.
February 1st, 2010 at 6:06 pm
Good thing it didn't throw you into a giggle fit at church.
February 1st, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Ironical? Who woulda thunk it
February 1st, 2010 at 7:06 pm
I get stuck on things like that too….the use of the sound UM and UH…I start counting them. It's maddening sometimes….
February 1st, 2010 at 7:32 pm
Ironical?! I would have stopped tuning in right then and there, too. We had this preacher when I was little at our church that would always say, "irregardless". So. Not. A. Word.
But I'll forgive him since he was a man of God, and all : )
February 1st, 2010 at 7:53 pm
You know the moment I read "ironical" I was all pfffft that's not a real word! So that just proves how smart I am also. Hmmm I learned something new today.
Watching church on tv and eating bacon reminds me of my grandmother too.
February 1st, 2010 at 8:42 pm
I felt your pain at the improper word useage. Who knew?
February 1st, 2010 at 9:00 pm
Wow, I even learned something! and I too, was wrong – oh so wrong. I was here lmao at the poor pastor until the last couple of sentences. Take that! huh….
February 1st, 2010 at 10:54 pm
I'm going to go out on a branch here (an olive branch, of course) and say that the pastor lucked out. I don't think (what do I know?) he even realized that it was a correct pronunciation. If that even makes sense?
Bottom line, the pastor got lucky.
February 1st, 2010 at 10:55 pm
Haha. This has happened to me before! I don't remember the word, but boy did I feel like an idiot. (I thought the same thing about ironical. Is that ironical?)
Now about speakers who make that clicky spitty sound as they talk…drives me to distraction. I know that's not your point, it just came to me as I was envisioning the scene.
February 2nd, 2010 at 12:09 am
Oh wow, you do know how to write and this piece was brilliant!!!
I would have been looking around at everyone too thinking, "people, do you not hear what I just heard?"
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:36 am
Mmmmm Bacon!! Oh… and the other stuff that I missed basking in my obvious hunger.. that was good too… but…. Mmmmm… Bacon!!
February 2nd, 2010 at 2:41 am
I rolled my eyes when I read ironical because I didn't think that was a real word either. I guess you learn something new every day! Thanks for the lesson.
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:11 am
I dont care if they say its proper or not…that is an awful word!!
February 2nd, 2010 at 6:05 am
this literally made me LoL. it's funny how stuff like that happens, isn't it?
p.s. http://www.peopleofwalmart.com (<—–you will love, or hate me for this)
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:29 pm
What in the world? I adore reading you!!! I cannot get enough..I just read my mom on old post of yours and said "Oh wait this one is historical too!!" Your comical writing is my entertainment! Thanks blog friend
February 2nd, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Isn't it funny the things people do and say when they talk that keep us from listening…I do it all the time! Loved this!!
February 2nd, 2010 at 7:53 pm
Tiffany, sometimes we are all so caught up with looking for the errors that we tend to miss the real message. I am so guilty of that. So "ironical" is an acceptable word? I didn't know that.
February 2nd, 2010 at 9:42 pm
This gave me a good chuckle! Ha ha ha ha! Kent and I were just doing a little church talk ourselves. Last time we were there, I nearly puked on the 97 year old blue hair in front of me. Whoops.
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:36 pm
You are wrong. You were right. Ironical is NOT a word. I have always said it as a joke. So what the heck? I haven't been funny all this time?
Oh the irony!
February 2nd, 2010 at 11:04 pm
Ha.
Love it! You are still way smart. And funny!
humility- ehhh.
February 3rd, 2010 at 2:13 am
Shopping at Walmart is considered a religion by some…so going to Walmart could be like going to church…just sayin!
~WM
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:16 am
This is a great post! So smart. Love it!
February 3rd, 2010 at 4:28 am
Ironical? It is kind of amazing the words they allow in the dictionary these days. I would've been just like you. Happy humility. You are still smarter.
)
February 3rd, 2010 at 3:05 pm
LOL
I love that you looked it up though, which means you thought there was a chance that he was right, I think that shows humility, no?
February 4th, 2010 at 5:55 am
oh, irregardless practically gives me a migraine! I applaud you for being able to sit through a series of ironicals with an added splash of suggested humility.
February 11th, 2010 at 7:05 am
lol!
i would have done the same thing! things like that bug the hell out of me and irregardless is so plate scraping annoying!
June 28th, 2010 at 2:02 am
I was laughing out loud at the lepers part! Hahaha! Your blog always makes me smile.
See?
June 28th, 2010 at 4:07 am
I’m apparently stalking you since this is my second comment on one post. I just left an award for you on my blog. You obviously do not have to participate in the award process, I guess you could call it, but I wanted to recognize you anyway!
http://kelleysbreakroom.blogspot.com/2010/06/bright-spots-spitwads.html
July 31st, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Funny post!
And very well written.
August 1st, 2010 at 12:53 am
ok. i still don’t believe you. Ironical? pfffffffft. I’m going to look it up now b/c it can’t be. I know all things grammar, and I ain’t never heard of “ironical.”
will let you know. if i’m wrong, you can do the whole humility sermon on me.