Catheters welcome…and maybe a minivan too
I don’t generally make a habit of almost peeing on myself.
Yet, somehow, I feel as if I am always in this predicament, where urine is the soon-to-be illegal immigrant escaping the oppression of my bladder and fleeing across the border into my underwear.
I blame my children.
My lady parts are all PTSD from pushing out babes and have shrunk my bladder considerably—kind of like guy shrinkage, I guess, except, my bladder is way more attractive than testicles.
God forbid I’m leaving the house: I pee before I leave, I pee upon arrival, I pee in the middle of my outing and quite possibly once again before returning home. I am obsessed with peeing to the point of being stressed out by the slightest possibility that I won’t make it to a toilet in time.
So when, on our way back from visiting family and friends up north a couple weeks ago, there was a major accident that shut down the entire highway forcing us to sit parking lot style for two hours, my bladder almost lost it.
Well, technically, it did lose it.
At the forty-five minute mark, with no exit or toilet in sight, I could no longer hold it. The mere thought urine flooding my bladder until spontaneous combustion was enough to make me crawl into the backseat of the minivan we’d rented, bust open an empty baby wipe container, pull down my yoga pants and pee.
And thus was the moment that, despite all my pissing (get it?…pissing?) and moaning about driving a ‘mom car’ and looking old, I decided a minivan might just be in our future.
It almost hurts me to say the words. But in my time of need, it was a minivan, with all its roominess and compatibility with bathroom business, that came to my aid and saved me from quite seriously soiling myself.
And who knows, maybe one day I’ll need an awesome, peetastic vehicle to escape across the border to Canada—probably on a bench warrant for grand larceny of a decent sized bladder.
February 9th, 2010 at 1:33 pm
I can almost picture it! Bwah ha ha ha! You poor thing. Kent is actually worse than I am with the bladder thing. He's ALWAYS going.
February 9th, 2010 at 2:06 pm
This post almost made ME wet my pants. I did not see it ending in a "we might need a minivan" sort of way!
February 9th, 2010 at 2:18 pm
How do you feel about sneezing? Do you have to change your underwear for that? There is surgery…
February 9th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
ugh!! I'm with Mama-face… Sneezing is my worst enemy… I used to laugh when my mom would get a cold and run for a panty liner before a tissue.. now… I just give my 7 year old cut eye, and head back to the bedroom to change…
February 9th, 2010 at 2:30 pm
LOL! Reminds me of the time when I was potty training my daughter and we took a trip, just the 2 of us, up north to visit grandparents. We had a conversion van at the time. I hated the thought of taking said daughter into the filthy rest area facilities along the way, so when the urge it I would pull into an exit ramp and go in her potty chair! I'd then dump the contents and return to the highway. Genius, I tell you!
February 9th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
I have the urgent need to go with the number 2…which I think in many ways can be worse. I like the mini van idea of being able to have the room to go in a "container" or what not.
I have no shame pulling over on the highway and high tailing it into the semi wooded areas on the side of the highway. better than soiling myself I think.
February 9th, 2010 at 2:48 pm
For the most part my bladder is secure and locked down, but I am guilty of tinkling while laughing, which unfortunately, happens A LOT!
February 9th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
My Dad used to say that my bladder is the size of a pea. I am just like you, except it's been going on my entire life! When my bladder gets that full, I start crying because I'm in pain. I've often wondered about getting stuck in traffic like that…if it got bad enough, I'd probably hop out of the car and just go pee on the side of the road. I really wouldn't care who all was looking.
February 9th, 2010 at 3:38 pm
I have an over-active bladder but it's shy too. I can't squat and pee nor have I ever been able to use a bedpan. When I was in the hospital they had to cath be because I just couldn't do it.
February 9th, 2010 at 3:41 pm
OH I hear ya and totally empathize. I won't have any warning and suddenly Ia m sure I am hiolding back HOover Dam and I have to go RIGHT then…
February 9th, 2010 at 4:54 pm
i read a very similar post somewhere else today and apparently the key is the kegel exercises – i'm doing them … right …….. now
February 9th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
I'm with SFTC – Kegels, lady! Your baby's still little, if I recall correctly…those muscles need time (and exercise) to recover!
Hysterical post, though. I also see the minivan I've been resisting looming in my future…
February 9th, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Oh. no. you. didn't.
This was my best read of the day so far. And a minivan. I am so hellbent on NOT getting one. I mean I (and you obvs) have an image to uphold here. But in times of need they just might be our savior.
I just slapped my hand for typing that.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:29 pm
Oh the joys leftover from pregnancy…I live in fear of every single sneeze or cough in public
February 9th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Oh jeez. I've actually been there. Trapped on 95 during a snowstorm back in 2000 for 6 hours and there was no where to pee outside without a bunch of truckers seeing me. So into a cup in the backseat I went. You gotta do what you gotta do. It wasn't a mini van though…I can imagine your pee being much more comfortable.
February 9th, 2010 at 7:34 pm
oh no! doing my kegels 1, 2, 3 oops gonna pee!
February 9th, 2010 at 7:41 pm
I have similar pee issues as you minus the whole having had a baby part. You just lived one of my biggest fears. Though I guess really my biggest fear would be having to do #2 in the car.
February 9th, 2010 at 9:15 pm
maybe you should invent a chair in the van that let's moms open a trap door and pee while driving…other mom's will thank you!
i know this sounds crazy but if a few kids can screw up a mom's bladder what happened to mrs duggars bladder?
February 9th, 2010 at 10:31 pm
Ugh. The things we do for our kids! I must admit, I have always been very anti minivan. But then, occasionally, I get caught in a situation and I think – yeah, that might not be so bad. So basically, I'm with you girl!
February 9th, 2010 at 11:05 pm
I totally know how you feel! I always go to the bathroom when I can, I HATE being in a car having to pee so bad that I almost pee my pants!
February 9th, 2010 at 11:20 pm
i just found you from your guest post over on klaw's blog, and you're HYSTERICAL! i think i just read like 8 of your posts straight!! i'm a new follower and i can't wait to keep reading!
February 10th, 2010 at 3:00 am
Hi.lar.ious. I especially cn't believe you blogged about this, but am glad you did. I am now remembering Two Weeks Notice where Sandra Bullock was in the same predicament only she didn't have a mini van to save her…
February 10th, 2010 at 3:45 am
I was just telling Coco how I can't believe I still want kids after reading all of these crazy stories….this might just top it. Babies cause less control of bladders? Greeeat. Although that visual just made me almost lose mine…touche.
February 10th, 2010 at 4:21 am
Everyone of your post are so funny. I am the same way though. I feel like I pee 24/7/365 (wow that saying is OLD). No joke though I can pee and within 2 min's literally I have to pee again? WTF is up with that?lol
breanna
February 10th, 2010 at 8:11 am
hahaa!!! oh woman i feel your pain!!! i actually had to go to the doctor for it and you know what the quack told me???? to have surgery and have a stirrup placed on my bladder….ughhhh no thanks. i'll stick to the pissing my self part.
February 10th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
That's awesome! I've definitely considered such drastic measures myself. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
February 10th, 2010 at 4:49 pm
LOL…I just use pads every day…not Depends silly…but ya know the sweet little minis…just in case..a girls gotta be safe…and then I can sneeze, cough, and belly laugh till my hearts desire …Im thinking about designing some really abstract or colorful ones…just to have some coordination during urination..!
February 10th, 2010 at 5:28 pm
I can so much relate… I did pee in an empty starbucks cup one time on the road. Hahaha! The pain and agony of being a mom.
February 10th, 2010 at 6:47 pm
You did not pee in the baby wipes!! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
February 10th, 2010 at 6:59 pm
Very creative pee spot I have to say. Have a friend with similar pee issues that when camping keeps one of her kid's diapers next to her sleeping bag, so she won't have to run out in the dark. Yeah…you might want to consider it.
February 10th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
I think about peeing all the time too. I don't know why, I don't have any PTSD since my kids were all c-sections but for some reason I make sure I go before I leave, when I return, when I think of leaving, in the middle of the night, when I don't have to go but don't want to wake up in the middle of the night… the list goes on. I haven't had to pee in the car yet but I would if it were necessary. Men have it so easy.
February 11th, 2010 at 2:21 am
i keep a training potty in the back of our minivan! (clean of course!)
once i needed to go so bad i took a size 4 diaper… it didnt hold all of the tinkle though….
February 11th, 2010 at 3:21 am
A peetastic vehicle! That sounds like a great marketing angle! Who wouldn't want one of those!
February 11th, 2010 at 5:33 am
fairly certain that kids will not be in my future. just sayin…
this story is too funny. i totally pictured you crouched down in the back of your rented minivan pissing away.
you rock! figures, you are klaw's son-in-law's mama. btw love your lil man. eeeh!
February 11th, 2010 at 6:23 am
You really peed in a baby wipe container, huh? Awesome.
I drive an Odyssey. I swore I would NEVER drive a minivan, but I love her. I keep a portable toilet in the back, with a roll of toilet tissue, and one of those windshield visors to use for privacy. One of the girls actually had to use it one time while we were driving down the road. Now, you're inspired, aren't 'cha?
February 11th, 2010 at 6:57 am
thats hilarious!
my wife had the same issue. sneezing was really bad for her as well. she ended up getting the surgery done to repair it all, so she's good to go now…thank god!
thanks for stopping by my page. im diggin yours already
February 11th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
haha, ahhh bless. Don't even get me started about peeing at the moment. I'm 30 weeks along and this baby thinks my bladder is a trampoline. Having to take my toddler to the toilet BEFORE me is torture, whereby I stand there near her having to hear her pee with a baby inside playing Lets burst the balloon. I hate it.
February 11th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
Great idea..baby wipe container!! I will never leave home without one!!
February 12th, 2010 at 5:22 am
Oh, Canada would do you good – none of those two hour traffic jams here! (At least on the west coast).
But that still doesn't help the sneezing or coughing issues. Sigh. I used to have an industrial bladder capable of making it through three cups of coffe or a full night of partying. Post baby, no more.
February 14th, 2010 at 2:05 am
I'm stuck somewhere between amused and disturbed about this post. . .
March 24th, 2010 at 8:51 am
Oh, I know…the van and it’s peepee accomodations. Wish I could say I didn’t know what you were talking about, but I graphically do. The sleepless nights I knew about, the weak bladder? didn’t see that one coming.
July 20th, 2010 at 10:16 am
[...] is the best, the funniest. Who else could write about catheters? Or Morgan Freeman and armpits? Solid [...]